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Step 1 - Get to know myself (again)

Pic Credit teachernz I first wrote about Getting to know myself back in 2008. Here's what I'd like to add: Personality Type and cultural preferences provide a nice framework to begin thinking about where some of my behaviors might come from. My cultural background explains some of what's important to me, and Type is a unique personal and professional development tool, helping me appreciate my own strengths and opportunities for growth, as well as appreciate those points in others.

I best identify with ENFJ preferences. I may not look like an ENFJ all the time, because in my job I'm often dealing with groups and paying attention to details, seeming like an ESFP. When I work from home, I'm quite comfortable spending hours alone, reading and writing online. But the pattern is there:

"mentoring, leading people to achieve their potential and become more of who they are." (Berens, Nardi, 2004)

The first thing I want to do when meeting old and new friends is connect. Holding a space for others is important to me, although I might get too excited and just start blabbering. Staying with myself without getting absorbed into other people's drama or take on their feelings as my own is a continuous conscious exercise. Dipping into a sea of knowing what's going to happen and how someone will react to a certain situation happens unconsciously. Yet when I try to pay attention to the vibe it may disappear. I love going for walks and doing Yoga or Zumba relaxes me; my body may be tired but my mind is usually alert after exercise.

I'm not sure how my extraverted Feeling and introverted Intuiting preferences were nurtured growing up. I remember lots of feeling bad for others and wanting to please everyone and fit in, often without success. At any given time I had maybe one or two "best" friends. Lots of acquaintances, but not many friends, at least by my definition. Still, I remember lending an ear and giving advice on many matters to many people. I remember making mistakes and seeking approval in many wrong places. I know I read a lot; my parents are still sorting out boxes upon boxes of books I left behind.

Growing up in my parents' house, realistic pragmatism (is there any other kind?) definitely dominated the everyday environment. On Hofstede's cultural dimensions, Germany scores high in the Uncertainty Avoidance Index. That means Germans like to know what happens and be prepared, avoiding uncertainty wherever we can. A big part of me wants to know what the future holds, but there are also examples in my past where I jumped in without knowing what was going to happen. None of my international moves were thoroughly planned in any way - that's why I like to share what I learned to save other expats the time and tears.

Flaggen_Still, I'm very German in my approach to communication - direct and straightforward, little to no beating around the bush. Swearwords? Not a problem. I appreciate a good rational argument, but may not be able to follow your logic. On Trompenaars' dimensions, I fall on the Universalist (the same rules apply to everyone) and Achievement (respect for what you've done, not who you are) sides. Competence and expertise are important to me. I couldn't stand it if anyone thought I was an impostor. Over time, my opinion of punctuality has been taken over by a slight mediterranean influence - but I'll still let you know when I'm running late. Keeping people waiting without even the courtesy of a call or text message would be disrespectful.

Unfortunately, self-examination is not always a helpful tool when you really want to get to know yourself. I've recently asked former and current colleagues and friends to choose some adjectives (based on Linda Berens' Interaction Styles) to describe me, and it's interesting and challenging to recognize I may not appear to others as I do to myself. I still think it's a great exercise to engage in from time to time - getting to know yourself all over again.


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Step 1 - Get to Know Myself

When I wrote this entry, I found that I became a little bit more aware of myself, and I hope you might try this yourself while getting to know me a little bit better, too. My name is Doris, and apparently that means "gift from the seas" in Greek. I prefer it when people call me Dee though. Sounds cooler, and I'd like to sound as cool as I can, because I'm not, really. I like the sounds and smells of nature (yes, including manure - I find it nicer than exhaust fumes), most people, most things, and most places. Too general? Ok, I like especially when babies laugh that uninhibited way they do (actually, when anybody laughs), I like unpredictable movies and Grey's Anatomy, I like Sherlock Holmes, strawberries, inspiring people, the beach, my loved ones, and feeling peaceful. I don't like rudeness, lies, feeling trapped, angry, useless or worthless. Things I think are rude: when people interrupt a conversation without notice and just leave, when people look at me and make up their minds i.e. judge by the cover. I don't mind "everyday rudeness" so much, like when cashiers or waiters roll their eyes at me for asking them for something out of the ordinary, because they are working and might just have a bad day.As for lies, everybody has to find their own way there. I think I could withhold pieces of information if I think it's for the greater good, but generally I try to be honest with others and at peace with everything I say and do, which makes feeling embarrassed or ashamed and thus lying about things superfluous.I feel trapped and angry and frustrated in conversations when words are being twisted in my mouth and I can't stay calm and find ways to express what I want to communicate. Sometimes the other person is just being rude and not understanding on purpose, which still makes me angry but I can usually breathe that away. I sometimes feel useless and worthless when I look at the numbers I've contributed to our joint bank account or the numbers on my scale, but I'm taking active steps to remedy both situations, so I feel active, in control and good about myself. Besides, they're only numbers and don't really reflect the mensch behind them; no numbers do.

Others have been kind enough to tell me they think I'm funny, entertaining, creative, kind, a good listener, a good friend, even a good person. I've also been told I can be too much in my head, not allowing myself to be emotional, at times condescending and self-righteous. I think I'm always trying to be fair and viewing all possible sides, I view myself as an open, flexible, real, uncool and honest person. I still consider myself a yogi, although I haven't really practised in quite a few months now. Sometimes I'm judgmental, but that, losing weight and allowing the emotions in and then dealing with them appropriately and in the moment are things I'm happily working on.

Depending on the circumstances I am all of the above, plus a lot more.

In no particular order, I'm a woman, a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a godmother, a goddaughter, a friend, a wife, a sister-in-law, a daughter-in-law, a weightwatcher, a couch-potato, a neighbour, an acquaintance, a writer, a student and a coach. I am the sum of my past decisions and experiences, and the play dough for my future. I am neither the fears of my parents nor the limitations of my education. I am me, and the potential is endless.

Who are you?

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